Pet Loss and Grief
Some time ago, I spoke about loss and grief to a group of gentlemen at a Men’s Shed. I touched on a loss that many people feel yet are often cautious about mentioning and this is the loss of a pet.
In the course of our conversation, I stated that: “Grief is a response to a loss of someone or something important to you, regardless of who or what that is.” This struck a chord for one of the men and was helpful because it legitimised his feelings over the loss of his dog.
Grief is no less because it is for a pet.
From my experience, and the stories I’ve been privy to, the grief over a pet loss can sometimes be greater than that felt for the loss of a person. Such admissions are usually delivered in the hushed tones of a confession, signifying some guilt and uncomfortableness with it being so. Judgements, be they our own or others, are seldom helpful. Again, it comes back to the nature of our relationship to that which we’ve lost.
Why is the grief over a pet so strong? I would counteract that question with; “Why wouldn’t it be?
As with any relationship, we invest our time, energy, love and commitment. In return, pets don’t have conditions attached and that can’t always be said about human relationships. Neither do they make judgments about who we are or whether we’re good enough, they just accept us as we are. That alone is precious.
When living alone particularly, a pet provides many important roles and benefits. Inevitably, they’re the person’s main companion and source and recipient of love. They provide comfort, touch and are good listeners. A pet may contribute to feeling safer in and/or outside of the home. They may be the motivation for exercise which contributes to the health of both. For some, a pet may be the reason for getting up in the morning while for others, a reason for living. In fulfilling such essential human needs, it follows that their loss will be keenly felt.
In a family with children, losing a pet may be their first experience of death.
As I wrote in Grief Relief’s recent Memory-Making post on Facebook, involve children in as much of the process and decision making as possible. This is an opportunity. You’re teaching your children about death and how to manage their loss and grief on this occasion and for future occasions.
When a family pet dies and there’s been a previous death of a family member, this can feel like a double blow as you grieve the loss of your pet and also your connection to the person through the animal.
Being someone who hasn’t had much contact with horses, this wasn’t a relationship I had thought much about. It wasn’t until I had a conversation with an artist and horse lover and learnt the longevity of a horse, that it dawned on me what a loss such as this could mean for someone. Owning and looking after a horse is a commitment of love, time, energy and resources over a long period of time. In many instances, longer than raising a child.
I love birdsong and appreciate them in the wild but hadn’t considered having a bird as a pet until I got a budgie for my animal loving son. What a revelation! This bird had personality plus and was a great source of delight. Not being a fan of captivity, ‘Pretty Boy’ was given increasing freedom about the house until inevitably, he found an open window and was never seen again. I still think about him and miss him. I have one of his feathers which I will incorporate into my art one day.
Choosing to terminate a pet’s life can be really hard. Making this decision is often tempered with not wanting to see your per suffer any further and consoled with knowing they’re not. It doesn’t lessen the feelings of loss and grief though. In my case, coming to the decision to have our dear old dog Ben put down only months after our son died was agonising. It compounded an already broken heart.
Often, a pet loss sits alongside other losses and it can be difficult to differentiate one from the other. In my case, I lost my first-born son, dog, possessions and marriage all within eight months, a whole chapter of my life annihilated.
Some people can be insensitive to pet loss with belittling comments such as “Oh, is that all?” “It was only a …..” or, “I thought you meant you’d lost someone important.” They are either not an animal lover, have a different attitude towards animals or haven’t had a close relationship with an animal and therefore don’t understand your loss. You don’t need to take these types of comments on board nor resent the person for it either, just know they aren’t the right person to share this loss with.
Perhaps because of this, whenever I hear a story prefaced with “I know this sounds silly” or “I know it’s not the same as…. ..but”, I know I’m about to hear a story about pet loss.
If you feel grief over the loss of your pet, then they were loved. You don’t have to minimise or apologise for that.
In testament to this, I have shed a few tears writing this blog.
If you would like support following your pet’s death or know someone who would, call or contact Claire for an appointment now.
© Claire Laurenson 2018
This blog is the author’s viewpoint and is not intended to replace professional medical advice.